I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
