Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
