now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
