All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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