K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The maid of honor just puked.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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