My liver just broke up with me...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
