Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
