don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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