My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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