i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
