if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
