He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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