This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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