someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
