My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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