dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
