peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
