Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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