I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
