Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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