I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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