I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
