my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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