I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
