We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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