my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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