Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
