Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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