Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
