Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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