I wish my penis had an off switch
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
