Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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