genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
