Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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