My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize