mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
