Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
