these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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