Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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