I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
