I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize