The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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