Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
