Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
