i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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