I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
