Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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