A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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