it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
