I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
