Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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