Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
