We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
