last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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